Stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Then, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
” Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”