“Dear Wife, I’m Leaving You...” — Her Response? Legendary.
Dear Wife,
I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you—for good.
I’ve been a good man to you for the past seven years of marriage, and frankly, I have nothing to show for it.
These past two weeks have been especially tough. Today, your boss called to inform me you quit your job, and that was the last straw.
Last week, I got a haircut. You didn’t notice.
I cooked your favorite meal. You didn’t say a word.
I even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. Nothing.
You ate dinner in two minutes flat and went straight to sleep after watching your soap operas. You don’t tell me you love me anymore. You don’t want sex. There’s nothing left between us.
Either you’re cheating on me or you’ve stopped loving me.
Whatever the case may be—this marriage is over.
I’m leaving.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me.
Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia together. Have a great life.
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing made my day quite like receiving your letter.
Yes, we’ve been married for seven years. And yes, you’re right about one thing: you’ve been a far cry from a good man.
Let’s break a few things down.
You wonder why I watch my soap operas all the time? It’s because they drown out the sound of your endless complaining. Sadly, they don’t work well enough.
As for your haircut—I definitely noticed.
My first thought was: “Wow, he looks just like a girl!”
But since my mother taught me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I held my tongue.
And that meal you cooked?
You must have me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
Now… those silk boxers. I turned away because I saw the $49.99 price tag still attached—and I just happened to lend my sister $50 that morning. Small world, huh?
Even after all that, I was still holding on—believe it or not. I believed we could maybe, somehow, make it work. I still loved you.
In fact, I quit my job because I hit the lotto—$10 million.
I had just bought us two first-class tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home to surprise you… you were gone.
So thanks, really. Everything happens for a reason.
And guess what? According to my lawyer, your lovely little letter ensures you won’t see a single dime of that money.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife
Rich, Happy, and Free.
P.S. I don’t think I ever told you this…
But my sister Carla?
She was born Carl.
I hope that’s not a problem.